In Davao-Day 1

I was in Davao last weekend with Ces, Karen, Cel, and Addie.  Mona, her husband Rhey and her daughter Marga were also with us.  Addie was supposed to fly with us but woke up late and didn’t make it in time.  He followed in the afternoon.  Our party left for Manila on board a 5:45AM flight on Saturday.  It was my first time to ride a  PAL plane and I enjoyed it.  The experience was much better than what Cebu Pac or Zest Air has to offer.  The plane was bigger and snacks were provided during our one-and-a-half hour flight to the city.

At the Davao airport, we were greeted by Mona’s wedding godparents and Cedric, our driver for the duration of our stay there.  We first went to the couple’s place for coffee.  Afterwards, the kind couple treated us to a buffet breakfast at Probinsya.  Our next stop was at Eden’s Nature Park where Mona’s ninang made reservations for us.  We had another buffet meal before we joined the tour around this mountain resort.  After the tour, we tried our hand at the famous zipline.  Cel, who has a fear of heights, retreated before she could be pushed to swing to the other tower.

The Crocodile Park was our next stop.  I’d never seen more crocodiles in my life!  We arrived at the park just in time for the animal show.  I’d seen better shows in television but I nevertheless enjoyed watching the tricks from the hornbill and the other animals that performed.  The only part which I really didn’t like was when they had these kids walk and dance on a rope atop a group of hungry crocodiles.  I also screamed while watching the crocodiles being fed by one of the staff inside the cage.  I was really bothered.  The others weren’t as melodramatic and just enjoyed the show.  Cecile even had her picture taken with the huge albino snake around her shoulders.  We were still supposed to watch the fire dance at the adjoining park but we were already drained of energy from the day’s activities so we decided to check in at the hotel first.  I was having a bad cough so I decided to call it a day while the others went out for a buffet dinner.  They came back with several kilos of sweet lanzones which they were able to buy for 25-pesos a kilo.

Preferably Within The Same Class

At lunch the other day, I read to the team the story on PEP about Kris’ reaction to the commentary of James’ mother about not wanting her for a daughter-in-law because of the couple’s vast difference in social stature.  The story reminded me of a very overused plot in Philippine movies–two people from different strata of the society falling in love with each other against the wishes of their respective families.  Usually the richer family would wield anything in their power to stop the the couple from ending with each other.  Despite these efforts however, the love of these couples would normally triumph in the end. It’s truly very romantic.

For a long time, I carried this notion that falling in love with someone outside your class is romantic.  I used to believe that trading affluence and comforts for a lifetime with someone you love is a sign of true love.  Thus, when we studied caste system in school I thought it was very unfair that one is forbidden to marry someone who is outside her caste.  However, time an experience have made me realize that loving someone belonging to a different social status is not as easy as the movies make it appear to be.  It’s difficult to fall in love with someone from a different class. In the movies, the differences are shown to be amusing and refreshing to one or both of the partners.  In reality these eccentrities and differences of background would be barrier to good communication.  Unfortunately, good communication is one of the foundations of a good relationship.  Usually, it’s difficult to communicate when you don’t share the same experiences and have different views of things. 

Therefore, marrying up or marrying down is not something I wish for myself.  I don’t want to marry up because I don’t feel comfortable around wealthy people.  I would never be happy adjusting to the many rules people in their class have to follow.  On the other hand, I would neither want to marry someone below my class.  The exception would be if I can see a potential and drive in him to change his station in life.  I’ve lived near the bottom rung of the social ladder and it’s just not fun not having enough.

On the other hand, these are just preferences.  I’m not closing my doors to possibilities. 

Books Of My Life

At coffee breaktime yesterday, I teased Mona that she has a very powerful mind.  I made her recall our conversation over a year ago where she articulated her desire to have a boss as supportive as the one we’re going to have in the next few weeks.  That conversation happened after she witnessed how our incoming boss defended and showed support to her staff in a meeting the three of them attended.  Mona told me she wished our then boss could be like that.  It now looks like she’s getting her wish.

The powerful mind remark probaly stuck with Ellen, our new member, because she asked me this afternoon if I’ve read The Secret.   Because I could not recall what that book was, I jokingly asked if she really meant The Secret and not the Rules.  When she asked what The Rules was, I told her that it’s a bestseller with a set of advice that I would probably never follow.  Just then, I remembered what The Secret was.  I told her I haven’t seen a copy of the book although I know that it basically says that you can think things into happening. 

I have neither read The Rules nor The Secret, The Twilight series or Harry Potter books.  I do however believe that I read more than most of the people I know.  Today, I tried to recall once more what got me started into this habit.  I can’t point exactly when or what kind of reading material I initially had but I remember how I used to devour any reading material I could get my hands on.  There weren’t many.  We didn’t have money to buy books.  My first book was my Abakada.  I finished it before I entered grade one.  It was My StoryBook which we read for our English class when I was seven.  I had been able to memorize Henny Penny and the other stories there.  Because my teacher entered me into spelling bee contests, she also allowed me to read the stack of books sitting on her table.  I don’t remember much of the stories I had been able to get from them.  In Grade Two, I finished My StoryLand ahead of my classmates and went to find other story sources.  I discovered that within the pages of the Teacher’s Guide are nicely told children’s stories.  I would secretly read copies during lunchtime.  I continued reading copies of the Teacher’s Guide until I was in grade three.  The following year, I couldn’t get hold of the material anymore but my then bestfriend Danalyn lent me her book of fairy tales.  I remembered reading it even during Christmas parties.  It was in this book where I learned the not-so-happy-ending of The Little Mermaid.

Outside school, I also did a lot of reading.  Because we didn’t have extra to buy books, komiks were neither in the budget.  But I know that my cousins were regularly buying copies so I would go to their house everytime I got a chance.  Knowing I loved reading so much, my cousins would offer me a generous stack of Komiks when I was at their house.  I would normally won’t leave until I had finished all of the unread Wakasan, Aliwan, Lovelife, and Horror komiks available.  Eventually I discovered Liwayway.  I at first just read the komiks part of the magazine.  After a while, I had been reading it from cover to cover.  Eventually, my cousins introduced me to the works of Tagalog pocketbook writers Helen Meriz, Gilda Olvidado, Lualhati Bautista and others.  I mostly read Tagalog works then.

In college, I realized I’m missing a lot in terms of reading when I met fellow students who had been reading Sweet Dreams, Sweet Valley, Harlequin, and Mills and Boons already.  Not a few of them have also read classics like War and Peace or The Scarlett Letter.  I was told that it was the long queue at UP during registrations which had encouraged most students to read.  Fortunately, classmates and fellow students I met were generous enough to lend me copies of books they already finished.  I was introduced to the works of  Jude Deveraux, Judith McNaught and sometimes Danielle Steele.  The Vampire Diary movie got me reading Vampire Lestat.  Other  friends recommended and let me borrow John Grisham, Robert Ludlum, and other famous works.  I had been offered but I never developed the taste for books authored by Michael Crichton and Stephen King.

At work, Andrew Matthews’ Being Happy got me through tough times.  Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich had me dreaming of a better life and Og Mandino’s The Greatest Salesman in The World became my bible.  After that, it has mostly been motivational books.  I recently finished Mitch Alborn’s Five People You Meet in Heaven.  I read his Tuesdays with Morrie and For One More Day years before.  Occasionally, I read books related to the workfront, like Peaks and Valleys and Bounce.

These days, I’m reading books less and less.  I have become satisfied with reading the news and articles in websites I regularly visit.  But I miss reading books.  I hope I could bring back the habit.

If Money Is Not An Issue

Last Saturday, I received an invitation from a high school classmate to attend her birthday party.  She told me that some of our other classmates would be coming too.  Unfortunately, I was having a bad case of constipation when she texted so though I really wanted to go, I declined her invitation.  As if on cue, I saw one of our classmates online the following day.  I buzzed her and told her of the party.  The last time I talked to this classmate was before she left for Canada and I thought the info of our class’ get-together would be a good icebreaker.

After we exchanged a few lines about the party, Mona asked me how I was and remarked that I’m probably rich already.  I’m never a fan of false humility so I replied that I’m doing ok because I have work.  I meant it.  My work allows me to travel with my friends, buy coffee at Starbucks, occasionally indulge in meals at fancy restaurants and buy a few luxuries if I want to.  I am generally pleased with what I have.  Still, when I read in an article earlier that most people spend too much time doing things they don’t want to do for money, I wondered if I am too.

I need not reflect too long to find the answer.  I know I am.  Though thankful that I have a job, I occasionally wish that I’m not waking up very early on Monday mornings to go to the office.  I wish I could just be playing with my nieces, or reading to them or running around with them.  Or I could just be tending our stores–listing down out of stock items or rearranging the display of merchandise.  Maybe I could just clean the house and fix and paint and make it look beautiful.  Our house needs some tidying up and beautification.  But I can’t.  I have to work because I don’t have enough money to do otherwise.  If I do, last Sunday’s fight with my brother could have been avoided.  Because I wouldn’t have snapped at him when he asked that I budget some money for building our garage so the cars would be needing less repair jobs.  More money would also mean I wouldn’t need to defer bringing my mother and the entire family to the mall.  I could let them shop for what they want and eat where they wish.  I could also buy a few nice clothes for myself so that people can stop telling me to pay more attention to my physical appearance. Honestly, I do like to enhance my looks.  But clothes, shoes and make-up are in the bottom of my priority list.  Those are things  I can do without.  With more money,  I could also invest and try my hand at running a small business without fear of losing that which I had worked on so hard to save. 

Listing down the things I am wishing I have or could do is something I have not done in a long time.  As much as possible, I like to look at the glass as half-full.  Plus, I know that more wants can spring when you don’t have a grateful attitude.  I don’t want that for myself.  I don’t want to be trapped in an attitude of discontent.  On the other hand, maybe having this list will inspire me to work harder.  I may be fine with what I have.  But I sure could use more money to spend on my family’s wants and needs and to be more generous with friends and perhaps even to strangers.

Not Good At Goodbyes

I’ve been debating with myself on how to title this post.  After all, what really is a good farewell?  Is it when you cry a river to show how devastated you are by the separation?  Or is it when you can successfully hide just how affected you are?

Yesterday, the CE team threw a farewell party for Trina, our division head.  The organizers tried to keep the mood light by letting comic Mike and Mark host the event.  A song number opened the gathering.  There were even trivia games and an AVP showing Trina’s journey in the company.  For the most part, the organizers were successful.  The team laughed and played games just like how we do it in our regular company parties.  It was a different mood though when Trina’s direct reports gave their farewell messages.  The affectionately-crafted messages accompanied by stifled sobs made many eyes in the room wet.  Trina’s response to the messages and her candid sharing of how she braved the tough last months before leaving to make sure we’re left in good hands made me more convinced that we’re losing a  good leader.  When the program ended, many of my colleagues went to her and gave her a hug.  They all wanted her to know how much she’ll be missed.  I wanted her to know I’d be missing her too.  But I wasn’t as bold as to show it in a hug.  I hope the recorded message my team and I prepared would suffice to show that we’ll miss our weekly sessions with her.

Today, the farewell continues.  My SQ teammates Budjoy and Girlie would be leaving us to join the Network group on Monday and on August 16 respectively.  Jacq and April organized a party as a tribute to their friendship and for their contributions to the team.  It was also to show they would be missed.  Like yesterday’s party, we tried to keep it light.  We played charades, sang out of tune and joked around.  But the farewell messages made some of my teammates cry.  I didn’t.  I’m going to miss Girlie and Pia but I was not going to be sentimental about their goodbyes.  After all, I’m sure we’re still going to see each other.

I normally don’t shed tears when colleagues say goodbye.  I have been with the company for more than 11 years now and am accustomed to seeing them come and go. It does not sadden me anymore.  There was a time in the past when I thought I wouldn’t be able to come to terms with some of them leaving but I had been able to.  I had been able to weather even the most painful goodbye–that of my father’s.  It was tough but I had been able to move on.  I cried a river but it made me tougher.  Because I experienced that kind of pain for being left by someone dear, the other goodbyes don’t seem to affect me anymore. 

I’m sorry to see Trina, Pia and Girlie leaving, especially because I had shared good times with them.  I’m not sure if my future boss or teammates would be as fun.  What I’m certain of is that things happen for a reason.  They’re leaving because it’s meant to be.  Any amount of tears wouldn’t have stopped that from happening.

Crumbling Trust

I have always been amazed by the jeepney’s ‘trust’ system.  Imagine, you get on a jeepney and the driver can’t even tell if you’d paid the right amount or if you had paid at all.  He’ll just let you have your ride trusting you had handed him the right amount for the distance you had taken space in his vehicle.  This system shows just how trustworthy most Filipinos are and how much we value how other people will look at us.  Of course, we don’t want our fellow passengers to think we are cheats or couldn’t afford to pay a measly amount.  This system seems to work although it really leaves a lot of room to cheat on one’s fare.  I have in fact at one point in my life banked on this system to save me.  I boarded a jeep without a centavo in my pocket and hoped the driver would not notice that I didn’t pay.  I was scared for I’m not really accustomed to this kind of dirty tricks.  I just didn’t have a choice at that time.  I was on the road with no money because all of the ATMs I tried to withdraw money from would not dispense a single bill.  Of course it was my fault that I left the house with no money.  The fare was only 5-pesos but I felt guilty for having cheated the driver of it.  I hoped I didn’t cause too much damage.

However, the latest breach of this trust system that I witnessed could certainly hurt either of the jeepney driver or my fellow passenger.  Here’s what happened: At 4:30AM yesterday, I was one of the first passengers of a jeepney going to Tanauan.  I gave a 20-peso bill and two 1-peso coins to the driver and closed my eyes for the duration of the ride from our town to Tanauan.  Occasionally I would open my eyes as the jeepney stopped to pick up passengers.  Like me, most of them handed their fare immediately to the driver as soon as they got settled on their seats.  As expected too, the driver didn’t immediately give the change of passengers who handed large bills.

As we were nearing Tanauan, a girl passenger reminded our driver, “Ma, sukli po nung 100, isang Ambulong.”  The driver looked at the bills in his hands and said, “isa lang ang 100 dito.  naibigay ko na ang sukli. 83.” and then addressing the rest of the passengers he said in an agitated voice, “makikisuyo naman ho. kung sino ang kumuha nung 83.”  But nobody said a word or reacted to the pleas of the driverSensing the futility of his effort, he turned to the guy seated nearest his area, “Manong pacheck naman ho nung naisukli ko sa inyo.  Di ga ho’t iniabot ko ang sukli dun sa dalawang singkwenta at isang isandaan?”  The guy confirmed that he in fact did.  He suggested that one of the passengers who had gotten off early could have taken the change.

At this confirmation my mind began to race, it would be unfair for the driver to hand 83.00 to the girl because he had already given it.  On the other hand, what if that passenger only had that 100.00 for the day?  I was very tempted to just give the 83.00 to the girl.  I after all, had extra cash at that time and 83-pesos wouldn’t hurt my budget.  But before I could pursue that good deed in my head, my apathetic self took over and I just got off and walked quickly to the bus stop.  I don’t know how it ended but it sure made me think that there must be a better way that the ‘trust’ system for the jeepney.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of any.

She’s Leaving

The big boss is leaving.  She announced it this morning.  She said she had heard rumors and some people had boldly asked her if it was true so she was confirming.  She said she made this decision months ago.  Long before it was decided that a new boss is coming in to head the newly-formed groups comprising of the teams she used to lead.  She received offers to stay and head another team within the organization but she had decided not to accept.  Not because she had entertained another corporate offer, she said.  She just wants to rest and be a mother for a change.  She wants to be able to drive her daughter to school and do stuff she has not been able to do for the last eleven years because of the huge responsibility she held in the organization.   She said she could have left earlier but didn’t.  Not until she was sure she’d be leaving us in good state.  And with that she proceeded to state the new form our group is going to take starting tomorrow.

I think some people might construe that her leaving might be due to the fact that she could not hold on to her current post.  I’m not one of them.  I believe every word she had said in the meeting.  It’s not in her character to lie.  She’s candid and sincere.  And I’m saddened by her leaving.  The big boss had been a fixture in my life for the last eleven years.  I think she joined the company just months before I was hired.  She was the one who interviewed me.  We were never friends and I never had the chance to work closely with her until lately.  But I like her.  She’s smart and she’s nice in her own way. 

There was a general feeling of melancholy among the team after hearing the news.  We knew about it since yesterday but her confirmation made it more real.  Alongside sadness, I was beset with a feeling of anxiety.  I belong to a team which would surely be hugely affected.  The big boss knew the need for our group.  She was the one who formed it I think.  The change will have us now reporting to a head who initially didn’t know of our existence, much less knew our group’s importance.  Only because of the big boss that he now knows and acknowledges our presence.  Another source of concern is the possibility that the new boss is coming in with an army of his own people who have fancier titles and bigger pay, doing some of the things we do.   Are we now going to be reporting to them? 

I am not resisting the forthcoming change.  I fully embrace it.  I am actually happy that for the last couple of months, the people are moving faster.  And many leaders are making a lot of sense.  It is exciting.  Change is necessary to turn our company around.  I was prepared for it.  I just didn’t know that it would be as drastic as replacing our big boss.  I wonder what happens now?

Always Believing I Could Help

I resolved to write feel good stuff–events that made me smile, simple joys, triumphs.  And for today, I’m writing about an accidental joyful moment.  It was quarter to 6 yesterday and we just stepped out from our weekly meeting with the Big Boss.  I earlier decided I’d be staying till 8 because I was on leave the day before and needed to catch up on the pile of email sitting in my in box.  I changed my mind when I learned of the heavy rain pouring outside.  I advised my housemate to wait for me so we could be going home together.  Since I was already starving, I asked her if I would still have time for a cup of coffee.  She was eating noodles herself and told me to go ahead.  I pulled a sachet of 3-in-1 out of my bag but before I could tear it open I heard Angelo calling, waving for me to come over.  Before I could protest or ask what he wanted, he started walking away.  I had no choice but to follow.  He led me to his post and pulled out a chair so I could sit beside him.  It turned out he needed to consult an Excel formula he couldn’t get right.  He told me he was already tired and could no more think why the values he gets don’t match.  Angelo had on several occasions sought my advice on work-related matters, especially reports.  On all these occasions, I never had the chance to check if he ever took my advice though I know he values my  opinion.  Anyway, I sat there looking at an Excel function I have not used myself and to a data file I don’t understand.  I told him I may not be able to help.  Still, he explained to me what he wanted to do and told me ‘be challenged and help me’.  I reluctantly checked the formula to see if there were anything out of place.  Angelo told me he had re-checked the cells already and the error I was looking for was non-existent.  He was right.  The cells contain uniform formula and references.  I asked him to explain to me once more the logic of the formula.  After he did, I told him it’s possible that the range he has entered was incorrect.  He objected and told me that he just followed the example found in the Excel help function.  I told him to open the Help window so I could see it and formulate my own interpretation.  He did and as he was explaining to me how he came up with the formula, he realized he had indeed entered an incorrect range.  He changed the range and began getting correct values.  He was thankful and muttered a customary, “buti na lang andyan ka’ as I was walking away.  I should be the one thanking him.   That he consulted me showed his faith in my ability.  The fact that I was able to help him made my day! 

On The Right Track

There are so many things to write about.  I initially thought of posting about a bottled-up dilemma.  It’s been eating me up for sometime now and I ought to let it out.  But I got busy that I was unable to find time to record that train of thought.  Fortunately, the ill feeling is now replaced with a lighthearteness spawned by my morning workshop today with a set of very positive individuals whose objectives are aligned with mine. 

At 9AM this morning, the second part of our workshop on an important project officially started.  Julie, Vic and May were already in the meeting room when Cherry and I arrived.  We engaged in casual conversation while waiting for Har.  He and I would be facilitating the workshop so we needed him there before we could start.  Before long, Har arrived and we started the discussions.

Just in time for the part where a major decision had to be made, Raymond walked in.  Raymond is Julie’s boss.  I have been in two meetings with him and in both times, I’ve been impressed.  He’s very smart but never arrogant and he makes a lot of sense.  In addition, his opinion mostly sits well with mine.  In today’s meeting, he was able to shed light on some issues that we’d never been able to resolve on our own for sometime now.  There was even a time in the discussion when his opinion differed with mine and upon contemplation, I was convinced that his made more sense.  Because he was there, we were able to close many issues and tie many loose ends.  Har and I were really very happy with the outcome of our workshop.  I even texted Ms. Ella that I already love Raymond.  We conluded that very fruitful discussions at 11:30.

I was supposed to start on my emails at 1PM but was ambushed for a meeting so I resigned myself to the fact that I would only be able to start to work on the minutes of the meeting and on my other tasks at 4M.  I had to accompany one of my direct reports in her 2PM meeting and would need to attend Jane’s merienda treat at 3:30.  Fortunately, Addie’s meeting happened to be in the same place’s at Cyrill so I just asked him to introduce Cyrill to the project manager.  Thus, I was able to start catching up on my to-do’s from 2PM to 3:30.  I stayed at the pantry for the merienda treat for an estimated 30 minutes and promptly started on my emails at 4PM.  It was only then that I learned that it was the last day in the company of one of our project team members.  I texted my boss about it.  She replied that she knew and asked me if I had already said goodbye.  I told her it felt awkward to be saying goodbyed because although I’ve been closely working with her on this project, I can’t say we’ve been close.  My boss replied that this resigning product manager was actually very impressed with me and the way I handled our project.  I was surprised to learn this because I was under a different impression. Our opinions usually differ.  I seldom challenged her because I couldn’t see the point.  She’s usually very stubborn.  I thought I might have come across as spineless to her for behaving that way in meetings.  I told my boss that I was surprised to get that kind of feedback from her and she replied that even Har was impressed with me. 

The information left me feeling good about myself and I thanked my boss for sharing with me the good feedback.  It came at an opportune time.  I haven’t had the time to stop and evaluate my performance of late.  By being very busy, I am unable to attend to many of the requests coming my way.  I am prioritizing.  And I know I’m not leaving good impressions on people whose requests rank low in my priority list.  I may even be offending some.  This makes me think if I’m still effective.  The feedback today gave me a sense that I’m still on the right track.  Not perfect.  But at least, on the right track.

Inspired By A Stranger

My bus ride from Alabang to Tanauan was a blessing.  I was down for the better part of yesterday, thinking so many people these days have come to have very twisted values.  So many people I meet and come in contact with, including friends, are an inconsiderate lot.  My recent interactions with this type of people are enough to bring me in a foul mood.  But my belief in the innate kindness of people was restored by this woman I sat with in the bus.  She did no extraordinary act of kindness towards me or anybody else.  It was her infectious positive attitude and determination that had me thinking there are still a lot of people with the kind of attitude I hope to see.

The woman and her child was already seated when I climbed up inside the bus.  I took the seat beside her in silence and with a straight face like I usually do to avoid getting people to talk to me.  But the bus hasn’t even left Alabang yet when the woman smiled at me to ask if I was also getting off in Tanauan.  I politely answered yes and she kept quiet for a while.  Minutes later, she started her nonstop chatter.  It was irritating at first but as her life story unfolds, I became interested and asked her to tell more.

The woman was born in Mindanao to a poor couple with a dozen children.  She told me how they used to eat camote and camote tops to survive.  She went to Manila to pursue a better life and worked to support herself in college as she took up Midwifery.  She was unable to finish college and was forced to get a job instead.  She was fortunate enough to be accepted as security guard and was assigned in Megamall.  She worked there for 8 years and then transferred to LRT for another 8 years.  She got married at the age of 31 to a man who is 13 years her junior. 

While working as a security guard in Megamall, she started paying for a piece of land in Bacolod so she could get her parents out of Mindanao.  When she completed half of her payment for this land in Bacolod, she then started paying for another lot in Sucat.  It is now where she, her husband and their two children live with their 3 boarders.

After being employed for 16 years, she retired and started peddling rice cakes.  She said that she’d have a 200-peso capital for the rice cakes and she would be able to sell it for 700 pesos at the end of the day.  She also started supplying pepper and chlorine to sari-sari stores she would pass by when she peddles her rice cakes.  On this, she would be earning around a thousand pesos on a 500-peso capital.  As she is naturally friendly she started getting to know people in these neighborhoods a lot better.  That’s why it wasn’t hard when she started a small lending business.  She took a course on the matter to further ensure her sucess.  And she was successful.  She was actually on her way to Batangas to visit the 4th piece of land she has purchased.  The third lot is in Quezon.  On the lot in Batangas, they’re thinking of starting a canteen.

Before I knew it, we were already in Tanauan.  I had to bid goodbye to the woman.  Fortunately, she has already given me what she considers to be the key to all of her success in life.  She told me to ask God for it.  She told me that everything she has now are answered prayers.  I believer her.

Wishing Canada Away

My brother’s applying for immigration to Canada.  I’m not too happy about the idea.  I can’t imagine being away from them, especially fom my niece.  If only I’m earning enough, I’d be willing to shoulder their daily expenses just so they won’t be going away.  But I am not.  And my brother thinks a better life is out there.  Still, I’m inwardly wishing their papers won’t get approved.

Writing and Schooling

In the past weeks, I had contemplated on discontinuing this blog.  I decided I would no longer publish my thoughts.  This, after I unsuccessfully tried to publish an entry repeatedly two weeks ago.  I thought that it was maybe a sign that I should stop making my thoughts public.  I know that only a handful of friends follow my blog but I’m afraid I’m already revealing too much.  I know I’m careful, less careful here than I am in FB but careful nevertheless.  Still, the fear is there and it has prompted me to consider going back to writing my thoughts in my diary where it’s safe from the eyes of everybody but me.  Anyways, it’s been two weeks and I haven’t written a single entry there so I thought I’d try it here one more time.  So here I am, writing again.  In probably an opportune time to record events in my life.  My nieces Fatima and Faireen are starting school –  Fatima as a college freshman in UPLB last week and Faireen in day care today.  I am excited that Fatima is starting her independence but I’m actually opposed to the idea of Faireen having to be in class at age 3.  She’s just gonna be turning 3 this Thursday and I feel that she’s still supposed to be enjoying her days just playing and with no responsibilities and restrictions.  Anyways, this is when my rights as an aunt cannot impose.  Her parents has decided that it’s time so she’s attending school starting today.  I hope it turns out well.

5K Is Not Enough.

I told my teammates about the guy who’s letting me know he’s interested and why I don’t like him and this launched a discussion of what women want in a potential lifetime partners.  All of us, save for Cyrill who is the youngest female in the team agreed that financial stability is a crucial requirement.  Preferably, the guy has to be bringing more on the table.  Cy, on the other hand believes that money is not a primary requirement.  She said that what’s most important is how she feels about the person.  She added that for as long as the guy would be able to contribute at least 5-thousand pesos for the housefold expenses, she’d be fine by it.

We laughed at Cyrill’s naivete and were all quick to point out that feelings fly by the window when financial pressure is on.  We painted a picture of her taking out a loan to spend on their wedding.  Afterwhich and before she has paid off this initial loan, she has to get another if she gets pregnant and delivers via C-section.  This type of operation costs 120K now.  She has to spend on diapers, milk, baptismal party and sending their kids to school.  She would need to work hard and when she gets home to see her husband relaxed at home, we’re sure she wouldn’t like it.

Anyways, we were not able to change her mind and I’m not sure I’d want to.  It’s not always nice to be practical.  A poor man with a good attitude may still be good for the job.

Tracing My Roots

I was in Plaridel, Bulacan last weekend for the funeral of my father’s first cousin, Tiyo Indo.  We arrived on Saturday afternoon although the funeral was still scheduled at 2PM the following day. 

I don’t know Tiyo Indo that much.  Actually, I only know of two of our relatives in Bulacan–Mamay Basilio and Ate Naty.  Ate Naty is Tiyo Indo’s youngest sister and Mamay Basilio was their father.  I don’t know the rest of the family. 

It’s not only my relatives in Bulacan whom I’m not acquainted to so I took the opportunity to ask my Ninang Kaka (my father’s sister) to discuss our family tree.  I asked her our connections with the people in our neighborhood.  One of the most interesting discoveries I had in this discussion was how we are related to Lola Doring and her husband Lolo Tiyo.  I specifically asked about them because I noticed that they are one of wealthier few in our sitio.  When I was younger, I remembered them throwing birthday parties for which one would need to dress up.  Their parties had cakes and ice cream while the usual fare in our neigborhood’s parties are sopas, puspas or pansit.  Their house was also a lot nicer than the others in our place.  It turned out that Lolo Tiyo is the first cousin of my own grandmother so I asked Ninang Kaka therefore why they are financially better in stature compared to us.  Ninang Kaka pointed out that Lolo Tiyo was an only child and never had to share the properties he inherited with another.  My own grandmother on the other hand is just one among a brood of eight.  I took a second look at the family tree I drew and noticed that the other sister of our grandmother’s parents also had one child, Lola Juling.  Lola Juling’s family is actually just like the rest of us.  They are not financially better.  I turned to my Ninang again to ask why this is so.  She replied that it was because Lola Juling was not sent to school because she was a woman.  They were of the belief then that women need not be educated because her husband would be providing for the family anyway.  Unfortunately for my Lola Juling, she did not marry a good provider and the land she inherited eventually got depleted as they sell every piece at every opportunity. 

It was an interesting discussion and they just reconfirmed what I already know–it is preferable to have a small family and children, whether male or female, should be educated.

Returning the Kindness

I consider myself lucky/blessed and yesterday’s events reinforced my belief.  First of, I received a call from Neil of Chinabank telling me that my CD was maturing that day.  He asked if I would roll over the amount or withdraw it.  I first thought of keeping the money in the bank but decided against it because I promised to buy my niece a laptop so I needed the cash.  I told him I’d be withdrawing the amount.  I remembered that I had forgotten the certificate in the province and was prepared that I wouldn’t be able to cash-out.  Neil however assured me I could if I’d be submitting the certificate first thing on Monday.  I went to Chinabank before lunch to complete the withdrawal and was greeted by a very good customer service from Neil.  He was pleasant and consistently wore a smile while he assisted me and it really made me feel good.  I have more accounts in BPI but I resolved to continue doing business with Chinabank because of the good treatment I received from Neil that day.

After my bank transaction, my team and I went down to buy lunch.  Cyrill was the last to pay for her for food and while waiting for her, I called my brother regarding the laptop model I intend to buy for Fatima.  Before I could finish my conversation with him I heard the guard said, “Excuse me, ma’m.  Me nawala po ba kayong ID?”.  And indeed I had.  I lost my ID last Monday and lost all hope I would ever see it again.  I thought I dropped in the trike I took to work and was resigned to the fact that I’d be paying 350-pesos for the replacement.  Though it’s been almost a week since I lost my ID, I had yet to start getting a replacement. The guard gave me back my ID and I really squealed with delight because I don’t relish the thought of going through the hassles of getting a replacement.  It was a miracle.

When lunch was over and I was about to go to my first afternoon meeting, I received a call from Neil again.  He asked if I had already counted the money I received from the teller for my CD.  I told him I haven’t.  Without him telling me the reason for his call, I knew they gave me more than what I should have received.  I would’ve been peeved that I needed to go back to the bank to return the extra 2K but I was too much in high spirits to be grouchy.  I went down and gave back to the teller the bunch of bills I received from her.  It was really two-thousand pesos over.  She thanked me profusely but it was me who should be thanking her because it added to my good feeling that I was able to show that my parents raised me well.

It was a good and pleasant and blessed Thursday!

Lonely Being Alone

In last Saturday’s episode of MMK , Ai-ai played the role of an aunt who had remained unmarried due to family responsibilities. Her nieces became her responsibility.  When one of them got pregnant, the child was left to her care because the mother needed to go back to Oman for her job.   Eventually and after all Ai-ai’s sacrifices, the child’s real mother took him away and Ai-ai was left to grow old alone.  It was sad.  I was reminded of the fear I had articulated to Noel when he asked me once what part of growing old unmarried I disliked most.  I told him it was not having children of my own.  Although I really feel I am playing the part of a mother now–reading stories to my nieces, teaching them songs, singing them to sleep and now, sending Fatima to college–I know I am not one.  Important decisions in my nieces’ lives will have to be made by their parents, not by me.  I will be limited to expressing what I feel or think best for my nieces but acting upon them would be my sibling’s prerogatives.

My sister watched the show with me and it invoked a different remembrance.  The spinster aunt of my father came to her mind.  My sister was one of her favorites although it was Ate Loli, one of her sister’s children, whom Lola Nene took in as her own.  When Ate Loli got married and got kids, it was Lola Nene who played mother/grandmother to Joy and Jay because Ate Loli needed to work in Manila.  It seemed perfect.  She had a family in spite of not having married.  Eventually however, they all left her when their application to Canada got approved.  It was not long before Lola Nene succumbed to loneliness.  She died of diabetes at 66 but we all felt it was the loneliness that killed her.  

I am admittedly afraid of ending up that way.  However, i still subscribe to the idea that it’s all a matter of attitude.  One should never let loneliness overcome him or her.  Because, whether married or not, this feeling’s bound to come at different points in our lives.  It’s just a matter of how we face what happens to us that matters.

Be Subtle About It

Yesterday, I mentioned in passing to a friend my fear of waking up one day, 40 and still alone.  I told him that though I’m prepared for this possibility, I might be wondering if the alternative is better.  We didn’t discuss this at length as I didn’t want to dwell on something I don’t have control over.   Or do I?

It was like fate was testing me because that very same day, somebody expressed interest.  I was in the salon getting a hair rebond when my phone vibrated.  I checked and saw a familiar number in the missed call register.  It was the third missed call I got from that number so I texted and asked who the caller was.  It turned out that it was a high school classmate.  He asked me how I was and when I plan to settle down with my boyfriend.  I know that he knows I’m single so I was already sensing that something was up.  I carried on with my conversation with him until he said that our classmates think it might be each other who we’re waiting for.  He said that he told them that he probably wouldn’t pass my standards.  I showed Karen the message and asked her how I should reply.  Though not flatly stated, the message was meant for me to reply if he would pass my standards.  Sadly, I’m really not interested and yes, he’s not up to my standards.  Karen wasn’t much help as she’s more used to flirting than to communicating rejection.  After a while I just replied with, “I think ganyan talaga ang mga tao.  They’re fond of pairing up single people.  I have officemates who’ve been friends since 2000 so we usually pair them up.  Ayun, hindi pa rin sila hanggang ngayon. ”  I was hoping he’d get the message.  He apparently didn’t because he asked if we could meet up when he’s here in Manila.  I replied positively but mentioned that it would be merrier if other classmates can come along.  He said that he doubted if others are available.  I ended the conversation with, “Basta, txt txt na lang”.

It was interesting.  If we were still in high school, I would’ve been thrilled.  My classmate’s one of those ‘may dating’ guys.  He was also part of the honor roll back then.  I, on the other hand, was your stout dusky girl whom everybody knows for my brains only but never for my beauty.  It would have been really kilig.  But it’s different now.  I’m turning 33 this year and my fear of being alone is more likely to be a reality.  But would I just settle?  I don’t think so.  I just hope somebody else would still come along. 

A Drive to Drive

 After my brother, his wife and Faireen left for Cavite last week to bring the graduation pictures of his client to their relatives, I noticed that my mother was unusually quiet so I went to her shop and asked if she was ok.  Tears fell from her eyes and she told me that though she understands that my brother is now married and would prefer to be spending time with his own family, she wished he had asked her to come along.  She seldom leaves the house now that she’s taking care of my two little nieces so the drive would have been a treat.  She told me how she used to tag along everywhere my father went and how he would always allow her because he knew how driving around makes her happy. I let my mother air out her sentiments and told her we could go see a movie the following week so she could also get a break and get out of the house.  What I didn’t tell her was how I regret that I don’t know how to drive.  If I do, I would have been the one to give her a ride anywhere and whenever she likes.

Thus, my resolve to learn how to drive has been revived.  I endeavored to do this last year but was stalled when my friends told me I shouldn’t be driving without a license.  I’ve been putting off the task for a year now.  But yesterday, as I thought about how it would make me and my mother happy if I could drive, I finally got my motivation to get one.  It was fairly easy.  The LTO office was a trike away from our office and I spent less than an hour to get my permit.  Now, I’ll just have to pay my brother a meager amount to retrain me.  Once I’m comfortable enough, I’ll get a non-prof license and I’ll just practice some more.  I know that driving requires real guts more than skills.  And it scares me.  But I’ve decided to face my fears.  I will prepare myself and I know I can do this.

Joke Time

I was on leave last Monday.  Considering that I receive almost two hundred emails a day, I was sure that my inbox would be bursting with concerns when I come back.  Thus, when I arrived at the office early Tuesday, I started immediately on the file of emails that accumulated while I was on my Holy Week vacation.  I started reading and replying to a bunch of them even before it was eight o’clock. 

I was busy on this task when Mona arrived.  I chose not to look up and greet her for two reasons, 1)  She’d been on quiet and serious mode before the holidays and I still didn’t know how she’d respond to a friendly greeting 2)  I was afraid to start a lenghty conversation with anyone because I really wanted to finish my email and the other tasks ahead. I decided to continue with work without greeting my other team members when they all started to arrive.  Surprisingly, everyone seemed to be having this state of mind because nobody started any small talk like we usually do on mornings.  Mona and Apple had earplugs on and Cecile also immediately started to work. 

At around 8:30, I needed access to a webtool to reply to one emailed concern.  I normally borrow access from Addie but he wasn’t in yet so via messenger, I asked Apple instead. When the credentials she supplied didn’t go through, I said “Nasan na ba kasi si Addie”.  She replied, “I have no idea.”  Just then Addie arrived and I had the opportunity to break the silence that had enveloped the team since that morning.  Before he could put down his bag, I said, “ano na password nung ID na ginagamit natin? napalitan na ba?”  He just replied with a nod.

Addie’s reply got me sending a message to Apple which read, “Why is everybody so gloomy today?”  She replied with, “I’ll tell you mamyang lunch”.  I was surprised so I asked further if they had disagreements again while I was gone.  I was worried because they did when I took a leave for our town fiesta last February.  Apple replied with, “uu”.  I laughed and told her she could tell me about it later. 

I got up to borrow IDs from the other team.  When I came back at my desk, I saw that Addie had sent me another set of credentials for the webtool I was trying to access.  I thanked him and saw an opportunity to ask why he looked dejected.  He replied with “I’ll tell you after lunch”.  This bothered me because it seemed that it was Addie and Apple who were having a misunderstanding.  Thus, I sent this message to Cecile, “Wala ka bang napapansing kakaiba sa paligid?”  She replied that she hadn’t noticed anything new or strange.
Since we still hadn’t taken our daily dose of coffee, Cecile asked me if I’d like to join her in the pantry for a cup.  We got up and headed for the pantry.  There, I told her about my weird exchanges with Addie and Apple.  I also told her that I had actually tried to send a messages to Mona too several times but my all bounced back.  Cecile was incredulous and told me that she didn’t think the team had problems while I was gone.  I replied that I really hope not because it would be so silly that they fight and couldn’t agree on small things when I’m not around.

We went back to our quiet workstation after the coffee.  The rest of the team still had earplugs on.  Because I was really busy catching up with my emails, I didn’t mind the silence.  I was more anxious to finish my email.  Inwardly though, I was wishing I would be able to manage the conflict easily.

By eleven in the morning, I saw Apple grinning at Addie’s direction.  I still decided not to mind the strangeness of everything that was happening when I suddenly heard a loud ‘Welcome Back’.  I turned around and saw all of them grinning and laughing at me.  Apparently, they’d been playing a joke on me all along.  I inwardly heaved a sigh of relief but instead of showing it, I teased them that they are punishing themselves because I didn’t mind.  I was busy. 

Truthfully, I was anxious.  Not very much because I’m not a worrier but I was a bit concerned.  I was wondering if the good bonding and camaraderie we’d been sharing the past few months had been a farce.  It would’ve been sad.  Because I’m enjoying this moment of my life working with all of them.  We all have heavy workloads these days.  As one colleague aptly described, one person is doing the task of three.  But everything’s bearable.  Because of my team.  We’re swamped with work but we deal with everything with hearty laughter everyday.  Because we know that ‘were all in this together’.  And I don’t want that to be something fake.

Applause

Last night was my niece’s graduation from high school.  The whole family was there to witness the occasion, even my little nieces Faireen and Venice.  We sat through and stayed until the ceremonies were concluded at around past twelve midnight.  This, despite the fact that all of us needed to be up very early the next day for Monday’s work.  This is how important we regard education and graduation rites to be.

My niece graduated 12th among over two-hundred students in their school.  We are extremely proud of her although we all believe she could have done better.  My brother nagged her about her poor study habits.  My mother thinks she’s spending way more time on the internet than on her school works.  I think otherwise.  I think she balanced her high school life well.  She has friends and she enjoyed her high school life with them.  I only asked that she passed the UPCAT and graduate from school on time.  So far, she has delivered. 

My niece received several academic awards and a medal for badminton.  However, the limelight was of course on the valedictorian-Kerwin.  He received the most number of medals.  Only Zairo, the best in Math and in Science subjects competed with him for the most number of medals received.

Anyways, recording the event isn’t the reason why I’m typing away now.  It is more of recording the things running through my head as medals were being pinned to the deserving graduating students last night.  I was seated in the audience but my mind was elsewhere.  It has come back to the time when I myself was graduating, not from high school but from elementary.  It was more than 20 years ago.  I was the valedictorian.  I was called on the stage several times to receive the highest academic honors.  People applauded.  My relatives even cried, out of pride for my accomplishments.  But when Ricky, the athlete of the year, was called on the stage to receive his medal, the applause was thunderous.  It was louder than all the claps I received for my medals.  It was a moment I remembered.  In my young mind, I wondered if they are happier for him than they were for me.  Was it because I was unpopular and hardly sociable?  This question was in my head for a long time.  Last night however, I noticed the same phenomenon happening.  When students from the lower sections receive an award, the cheers are louder.  The claps are longer.  This time, I no longer searched my head for answers. I thought that maybe, just maybe, the cheers are louder because an award given to someone from the lower section is more inspiring.  I think that the lukewarm applause for the students from the first section are borne of the fact that they are expected to be receiving awards and succeeding.  On the other hand, when someone from the lower section rises above the fact that they are not in the best class and receive an award, it calls for a celebration.  The cheers are louder because the others have found inspiration.   But this is just a guess.  It is still possible that Ricky really was just more popular.